3 Years Later...

Today, our sweet girl, our Nanners, our Annabeth Sage is 3.

3 years old.

As I sit, amazed, that three years have passed so quickly, I, as always near her birthday, really feel a lot of emotions about her birthday.

I, quite honestly, despite reading the baby books and taking the baby classes had very little expectations about labor and delivery. My birth plan literally said, "Get her out." Until I learned I couldn't have an epidural due to my drug allergies I had planned on that, plan changed. I always kind of thought I would have to have a c-section like my Mama did with both of us girls, plan changed. For the first 20ish hours of labor I thought "this isn't so bad," that changed. I think even after it all happened, I did not realize how much it would change my life. Our families came and met her. They held her, took pictures, and we all were so happy. But, slowly, over time more and more of what happened came back to me and more and more I realized that it was very traumatic for me and for Mark.

I am sure some people reading this are thinking...
"Really?! It's been three years. Be thankful for your baby."
"I lost a child to a miscarriage, be thankful you have a baby."
"Our child died, yours is alive, be thankful."

If you are one of those people, you have the right to those thoughts. But I will add:
We do have a child.
We have a healthy and happy child.
BUT
We also suffered something very traumatic.
We saw our child die. We saw her breathless, lifeless.
At the end of labor and delivery, we had a body not a breathing, living baby.
AND
By the grace of God, we have our Miracle Girl.
That does not make the rest of it easy or better.
It doesn't take away when she was gone.
It doesn't mean that I have to move on today.
I will rejoice and I will grieve in my own ways and my own time.

So today, I will hold my three year old. I will kiss her and hug her and be ever so thankful that she is here with us. I will also cry today. I will remember with sadness and gladness the day she was born. Most of all today I will pray. I will thank and praise the Lord for Annabeth. I will pray for St. Francis and Riley Children's Hospital staff with thanks for their work in helping our family. I will pray for families who have also walked through this. I will pray for those that will walk through it in the future. May His Will be done in our lives and theirs. Amen.