My Endometriosis Journey

 March is Endometriosis Awareness Month.

What is Endometriosis? Endometriosis is a condition where the lining of the uterus flows out into the pelvic cavity - instead of flowing out of the body it wraps around organs in the body. About 11% of American women are diagnosed with Endometriosis.

Here's my story...

I always had really painful cycles - I thought that was normal. I knew my other friends had cramps and I just assumed I wasn't as tough as them as I went home early from school or stayed home from events in pain. 

This continued until I was 20. I was in my 3rd, and final, year at college and was in horrific pain not just "that" week but throughout the month as well. The pain was getting worse and I found myself staying in my apartment more and more. At first, I thought it was the stress of carrying 21 credit hours, balancing work and school, and living off campus for the first time. By October I called my mom and said "I think I need to see a doctor." I went home on Fall Break and saw our family physician who ordered and ultrasound. I was back at school by the time it had been read so we just had a phone call about the results. She diagnosed me with Stage 3 Endometriosis. She recommended oral hormones and suggested that when I got married (Mark and I were engaged already) that I see a specialist as I would need surgery in order to get pregnant. 

That was a HEAVY phone call. I was alone in my apartment, not sure want to think, called Mark sobbing to let him know that I may not be able to have children, he reassured me that he was open to adoption, and I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription. The oral medication did help relieve some pain during my cycles and I had less breakthrough pain during the rest of the month. It felt like the best case scenario and just wanted to survive the rest of college.

Me at 20.

This is my favorite picture from that fall. My friend Daniel

and I walked to the stadium for a UfoL game.

**I do want to point out that I was INCREDIBLY blessed to be diagnosed by the first doctor that I saw and at a young age. Thankfully she was very knowledgeable and quick to name the problem. I now know people who see multiple doctors before getting any kind of diagnosis. 

Mark and I married in May 2009. I saw two doctors in Indianapolis before finding our family practitioner that we love. The first two doctors were not kind or understanding in any way. They were always short with me, quick to get me out the door, and I didn't know how to stand up for myself and to ask for more. I just quietly dealt with the pain and the fear that we wouldn't be able to have children.

By the grace of God have welcomed two biological children. Both times it took us quite a while to get pregnant but we feel incredibly blessed to have had two healthy pregnancies and two healthy babies. While we had difficult, horrific with Annabeth, deliveries none of the issues with either delivery were because of my endometriosis.

We welcomed Annabeth in October 2011.

Owen joined us in June 2015

Having the children was wonderful and exciting and my health took a backseat. I dealt with chronic discomfort and pain over the years and masked it by staying home many days. I was frustrated. I felt like in my 20s I should have been able to easily take my kids to the library or park without terrible pain. Every doctor visit I would mention it but each time I heard "It's just like this for some ladies" or "Some people have a harder time than others" or "You just have to deal with it" 

In July 2018, I sneezed in our kitchen and fell to my knees in pain. I spent months having expensive scans done, meeting with surgeons, and visiting new doctors. I have written about my 2018 surgery here. In short, I FINALLY met a doctor who said "Amy, this is really serious. You have polyps in your uterus and you have endometriosis spread through out your stomach. We're going to do surgery next week." That surgery changed everything for me and meeting that surgeon changed everything. Following that surgery I had 18 months with virtually no pain. My cycles were tolerable. I could take the kids on long walks, go on hikes, visit the park and never worry that I wouldn't be able to walk to the car. I felt like I had my body back and I also felt like I had so much mental health back as I was finally heard.

Then last spring it was back. At first small crampy pain, then that nagging ache, and by summer the pain was back in full force. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain while waiting to turn in Annabeth's 4H project, I would collapse in the car after pushing a shopping cart through the grocery, I began making excuses to stay home so no one would know. 

By July I couldn't take it anymore and called my favorite surgeon. He saw me within days because of the fear of polyps (possible cancer) returning. The ultrasound confirmed what I already knew - the endometriosis was everywhere, wrapped around organs, and a large tumor had formed. We made one last ditch effort to treat it with medication, the insurance company likes to see this tried before they cover surgery, but 60 days into the 90 day trial I was worse than ever. So, last fall, at just 33 I had a hysterectomy (full post on that here) 

Since having Annabeth I have had five surgeries, some too personal to ever include here. For 13 years I fought a battle with the name Endometriosis and for many years before that I fought a nameless beast. I am daily amazed with how I feel - I find myself walking with the kids, afraid to walk too far until I remember that there's no pain - I can make it home. Sitting on hard chairs or in the car used to cause pressure and pain - I avoided visiting family/friends because I didn't want to deal with the pain. We went to Florida after the surgery and I easily made the trip. As of November I am officially cancer/tumor free. The last step of this journey will be a one year check in October to ensure that no microscopic endometriosis was left. 

Why do I share this?

I share for my 20 year old self who didn't know that I deserved more than a phone call diagnosis and a pill treatment plan.

I share for my 20-something year old self who was ignored, belittled, and shot down by OBGYNs who should have done better.

I share for my 30-something year old self who finally understood how to stand up for myself. 

As for you...

Get checked. Go to your yearly exam. Be open. Be honest. When you're not heard - say it louder and find someone who WILL LISTEN. You get one body, one life. Don't waste it because it's hard to speak out. 

Nine.

 Today our Miracle Girl is NINE.

Nine years ago today was the tipping point in my life. While I had experienced pain, loss grief, sadness, and joy I had never before (and never again) experienced it the way I did the morning of October 5, 2011. To lose our girl, to not know if she was alive, to wonder how I would ever move on if good news didn't come from the NICU, and the incredible joy of learning that she lived. I have never been so terrified, so dependent on God, so lost in a moment as I was that morning.  

For years I struggled with immense grief at knowing just how it feels to see a lifeless child. I struggled with the anger of an experience that I later felt could have been avoided. It was so difficult and confusing that no one else seemed to understand. I wanted to scream if one more person said, "Thank goodness she is healthy now. You're both okay." I wasn't okay, she wasn't okay. We spent years seeing specialists, meeting a very high out of pocket deductible year after year. I physically and emotionally wasn't okay. It took so much therapy and so multiple surgeries to "fix" me. 

Today marks nine years of survival - for all of us.

We waited so long to have a baby and were so thankful for God's goodness and grace in saving her. That afternoon, meeting her in NICU, I promised her that if she would just hang in here on earth, that we would give her the world. She did - so we do.

At nine, Annabeth is funky, creative, kind, and growing more and more into her own person. Last week, we had her friend party with some homeschool friends and it was so fun to watch her pick "The Babysitters Club" as a theme. She decorated the mantle with books, created her own Claudia Kishi costume, and then designed/baked/decorated her own dream Barbie cake. 

We decorated the mantle with all of Annabeth's BSC Books

Bright shoes, funky socks, embellished overalls, pink hair - she came 

to her party as Claudia Kishi

Annabeth planned, shopped for, designed, baked,

and decorated her own cake!

There are so many days when I want to just cry at how old she is but I never, never take a moment for granted. We're so unbelievably blessed to be her parents, for God's faithfulness in restoring her heart and giving her very few complications from birth. 

So, my dear Annabeth Sage, on your #9 - Thank you. Thank you for being patient while I learned to parent and while we worked too hard to protect you. Thank you for being kind, loving, and sweet to everyone. Thank you for serving others and for loving your brother. We are so thankful that you are ours, our Miracle Girl. 

Her Favorite Number Seven

Today our Annabeth Sage is SEVEN!
Seven is, and has been for many years, her favorite number. She has been waiting since about her 5th birthday to be 7. She has decided this will be her best birthday and her best year!

I keep journals for the kids and in many instances these blog posts get printed and added as well. But this one, number seven, has been hard to write.

In so many ways, I have moved so far away from her actual birth-day. I have recovered as much as I think I ever will without letting go completely of the goodness and grace of God and His saving hand that morning. I still cry when she dances. I still sneak into her room to watch her sleep. I still stand in complete disbelief sometimes that she is mine, ours.

This year, Annabeth has asked alot of questions about her birth. What happened? Why did it happen? We even talked it over with our doctor together. She had some basic questions like "Why was I blue?" or "Why do we have pictures of Owen being born and not me?" and then some tough ones like "Did I go to heaven when my heart stopped?" and "Do you think I saw Jesus?"

We have been reading Psalms this year and a theme of Psalms is praising God everywhere, for everything, with all that we have. She said to me, "I want to use every heartbeat for Him." It was quietly spoken, on a sunny afternoon in our schoolroom. Just me and my girl and Jesus.

When I look at Annabeth I see JOY. I see such a passion for life and for people and for living.
When I see Annabeth I experience LOVE like no other. She is my firstborn, my first understanding of what it means to unconditionally love.
When I hold her, I am intensely aware of her seven year old body and how far we've come from that tiny 9 lb 1 oz baby. I remember waiting hours to meet her, holding her in the NICU, and trying to introduce myself while just sobbing. She was a tiny little baby, a mixture of my sister and Mark in appearance and I kept thinking, "Why does she look like Lu and Mark?! Why doesn't she look like me?" It was a foreshadowing as she is so much like my sister and so much like Mark!

I am so deeply gratefuly for each and every day with our Nanners,
our Monkey Monk,
our Miracle Girl.
Happy Favorite Number Seven!

Annabeth Sage, 7 months

How did we get to seven years so quickly?!

Top 5 Most Read Posts of 2017

First of all, thank YOU all for reading each week! I am so grateful for all of the readership and support we receive through this blog. This year I have posted more than ever and much of that is thanks to your interest!

Here were our Top 5 Most Read Posts of 2017:

#5 Striving to Create Blank Space in Our Home. This post featured the inspiration for our big overhaul of the way we live as we strive to have less and to enjoy it all more!

#4 6 Years. This was Annabeth's Birthday post this year. I am so thankful for God's provision and for the incredible blessing of our Miracle Girl.

#3 Our Big, Scary Financial Goal for 2018. In an effort to continue being transparent about our Debt Free Journey I shared our big goal for next year. Thank you to everyone who responded with their own goals!

#2 Carseat Poncho Review. Our dear friend Kelly at Heavenbound HCA gave us a carseat poncho to reveiw and enjoy. It's been keeping the kids warm, and stylish, and we are so thankful for such a beautiful gift!

#1 Food Allergy Mama. This post was really more of me journaling, trying to say what I was feeling and you all took it and responded so beautifully! Thank you for everyone who sent prayers, who shared this post, and who supported me as I processed this new stage of life. Our number six most read post was the follow up to this one - How Seeing My Daughter's Allergist Changed My Life.

Again, THANK YOU to all of you who come every week to share Frugal Fridays with us, 

who send messages of encouragement, and who are all part of our little family's life. 

We are so grateful for each of you!

Six Years

Six.

Somehow, it's already been six years.
Somehow, our baby is already six years old.
How? When?

Last week, Mark and I had a long (tearful on my end) talk about our Miracle Girl turning six.
Neither of us can look back at her birthday without anger or sadness.
I have wished every day that I could go back to 4 am on 10/05/11 and beg for the c-section. I wish I would have known more, fought harder, been better prepared. Selfishly I wish I had surgery one way that day instead of the way I did. I wish that we could have avoided, changed, stopped all the things that happened during delivery. I meet and speak with women often about Traumatic Birth and about their own experiences. I wish we didn't have a story to tell.

And then I look at our girl. Our SIX year old girl and I think about the complete miracle that she is!
I think about holding her in the middle of the night on her first night on the outside and telling her:
"You are strong. You are a fighter. I can't wait to see where this life takes you."

And she is.

Annabeth Sage is so bold in her choices, she is so confident in who she is, and she has taken everything in stride with such grace.
Her first five years, we went to countless extra appointments and each time she passed with flying colors. All the side effects she could have had from her time without a heartbeat or oxygen never came. We waited and worried and prayed and each time God allowed us to move through that checkpoint without new concerns. Last year, she was officially given the all-clear! Our girl who was born blue, grey, lifeless has become such a colorful, full-of-life person.

I cannot count the number of people who say to me "There's just something about her..."
There IS something about her.
It's called grace,
By the grace of God - by the steady, healing hands of God, her heart was restarted, her lungs were filled with air again.
And this past year, not just once but twice, our sweet girl survived life-threatening reactions to new allergens. God once again protected our girl.

When I look at Annabeth - I just see the complete and utter goodness of our God.
I am always amazed at her kindness - even with others are mean.
I am impressed by her willingness to try new things and to stretch herself.
I am (to be honest) envious of her self-confidence.
I am encouraged by her Christian witness.
I am blessed, so incredibly blessed, to be her Mama.

Today she is six. Today, like every day, we will celebrate her and, yes as many have accused us of, we will spoil her. We know what it's like to have her and to lose her. We have seen her lifeless. We have seen her still. We have heard her heartbeat stop. And yet our incredible God has given us this second chance to have her and we refuse to waste a moment of it.

Happy #6 to our Miracle Girl.

To read all of her birthday posts:
#5
#4
#3
#2
#1
Her Birth Day

I Cry Every Time She Dances

Annabeth had her first dance competition on Saturday.

Our Tiny Dancer!

Her group earned an "Outstanding" distinction and we were all SO impressed with how well they did. For three of the six girls, it was their first time competing on stage.

As always, she danced and I cried.

A few years ago, I wrote about crying when she danced at home.

Those feelings haven't gone away.

I don't know why dancing is the trigger for me, but I always go back to the day she was born. I think about having her, losing her, and her coming back to us. I think about meeting her, blue-grey and lifeless. I think about waiting to hear from NICU, the doctor's phone ringing non-stop during the surgery, I think of those two tiny pictures NICU took and let Mark bring to me and I think about begging God to "please save our baby." In those hours that I waited to see her, I made God so many promises. I promised Him that we would give her the world, that we would do everything for her, and that we would enjoy every moment if He would just save her. I promise God that we would train her up to love Him and to serve Him. I promised God that if he made her heart beat again that we would do our best to be sure she used every day of her life to glorify Him.

The first time I sat alone with her and cried and cried just holding her. I made her all of those same promises. I promised her that if she would just stay strong and stay with us that I would help her accomplish any and ever dream she had.

She loves it, dancing. Her smile is SO huge, the joy radiates off her as she dances.
Maybe every parent feels that way about their child.
When I see her dance though, I am reminded that God restarted her heart, He brought her back to life. He gave us that day, all the ones since, and He gave us today.
The incredible blessing of spending today with her.

So, sweet Miracle Girl, may you always dance and while you dance I will watch, and cry, and thank God for the incredible gift of you.

Golden #5

Today is our Miracle Girl's 5th Birthday, her #5 on the 5th, her golden birthday.

The weeks leading up to today have been so different than her previous birthdays.

In 2011, we had SO much excitement as we counted down the days to her arrival.
Then her birth day came. Our lives were changed forever.
I knew the greatest sadness and the greatest joy in a matter of hours.
I heard her heartbeat on the monitor, I heard it stop, and then was later told it started again.

Sobbing, meeting Annabeth Sage.

She was over two hours old and I was so excited to finally see her! 

Mark had gone to NICU with her and they, thankfully, had taken two little pictures for him to bring me as they sewed me up but I needed to see her, hold her to know she was going to make it.

I knew in that moment that she was a true fighter, so strong, and that God must have some 

HUGE plans for our girl. 

In 2012, I had recovered from two surgeries after her arrival and had just begun preparing for the third.
Her birthday came and I stared at that little one year old girl, not believing that we had all made it.

Birthday lunch at Einstein Bros Bagel

I love the "Birthday" on her shirt and the "Every Day" on the sign behind her! 

Yes, let's celebrate every day!

In 2013, we celebrated her second birthday with a princess theme.
Mark had to have princess as the theme and I think as much as she was his princess that day, she is even more so now. Mark and Annabeth have such a special relationship. I love to watch them together.

Celebrating with her GIANT princess castle cake.

Mark picked out this cake for her: 

if that isn't proof that she is Daddy's girl, I don't know what is!

In 2014, we celebrated with a Hello Kitty party.
She had picked the theme months before and we watched as she planned her whole party - she even included a seating chart. She was only turning three but we were getting a big glimpse into who she really was.

She loves parties and party planning but still gets a bit shy when all of the attention is on her.

She was so cute, being shy, while we all sang "Happy Tutu" as she called it that year. 

Last year, her birthday came after Owen's arrival. I had healed in so many ways, emotionally, after his birth and was able to feel less pain when preparing for her birthday. She chose a Deer Party during her third birthday party and kept that theme until her 4th. She was becoming so sassy and stubborn and, as from the beginning, strong.

Our beautiful girl, in her special Deer Party dress posing with Owen.

She selected his outfit for the day. 

Her love for him is so beautiful!

This year, for the first time, I haven't felt that overwhelming sadness as her birthday approached. I have been able to reflect on her #4 year as she calls it and have looked forward with joy to her "five birthday."

I will live the rest of my life as Annabeth's Mama. I will live my life in awe and in love with her. She is so incredibly kind to her brother. She is so in love with her Daddy. She is growing and learning so much - most of all I love her dedication to praying and studying the Bible with me daily. I feel so incredibly blessed to know her and to love her.

Happy Five Birthday - Golden Birthday to Annabeth Sage, my Nanners, our Miracle Girl




.

"And was I crying Mama?"

Yesterday, Annabeth and I took Mr. O to his 2 month check-up.

As we drove, Annabeth was talking about Owen's pictures from the hospital. We have shown some of them to Annabeth and she was really surprised grossed out by the fact that Owen was "green and slimy" after he came out. (She has only seen the picture of our doctor holding Owen up right after he was delivered) I had added it to his baby book and really didn't think about her seeing it but she has been asking daily about how babies get out and why they look that way.

Then she asked the question. She doesn't ask it every day but when she does, I cry. Every single time.

Annabeth: "Owen was born so slimy. Was I slimy?"
Me: "Yes. All babies are."
Annabeth: "And he was crying. Was I crying so loud when I was born?"
Long Pause.
Me: "No Nanners. No you weren't."

It's a simple, innocent question with such a complicated, heartbreaking answer.

I hope when she is older I can answer it in a way that she can appreciate and understand just how precious life is. I hope she can remember how much of a miracle she is. I hope we never take a single moment for granted. I hope she realizes that the Lord has a very special plan for her. He created her, He knit her together, and by His amazing grace she took her first breath. He alone saved her life and we pray, will save her soul. Amen.

Our Miracle Girl.

Running, dancing with flowers.

We are so thankful for that first breath and each precious one that has followed. 

Tearing Up "THE" Room

Today we had our hospital tour in preparation for Owen's delivery.

We are delivering at the same hospital that we had Annabeth at but they have undergone extensive renovations since that time. They have new delivery and postpartum rooms as well as a completely redone NICU. We took the tour before having Annabeth and, obviously, used each of those rooms while there with her but I really felt like I needed to see it all again, especially with it being new. I know that Mark and I both face triggers from Annabeth's traumatic birth. I knew that it would be extremely important for us to see the hospital again facing Owen's birth as a completely different experience than Annabeth's.

Two weeks ago, I called the Nurse Navigator and requested a tour. In talking a bit about our history there, I found myself sobbing. I am not a big crier and I definitely do not like to cry in front of people and it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I have worked so hard to make Owen's baby book, nursery, etc all his own. I want him to be his own little person and not just Annabeth's baby brother but following a traumatic birth it is very common for that experience to overshadow the next one. The nurse was so helpful and stayed on the phone with me for over 30 minutes talking through things. I was thankful for her 15+ years professional experience as well as her own emergency delivery story.

Today before our tour we met in her office and then before we saw each step of the tour she made sure both Mark and myself were comfortable continuing. I clearly remember checking in, the inside of our delivery room, NICU, and postpartum but for whatever reason I don't remember the hallway at all. In preparing for delivery, I have been doing quite a bit of visualization exercises as I walk through various scenarios. When we arrived on the unit today, I realized that I really did not remember the actual hallway or unit layout at all. Mark did though. He told the nurse, "We can see any room but that one at the very end of the hall. That was "the" room." She said, "Really? It's being torn up today." Sure enough, the door had a "DO NOT ENTER. UNDER CONSTRUCTION" sign and we could hear them ripping it apart.

The rest of the tour went really well. The new delivery rooms are absolutely beautiful and look like a spa. The NICU is totally different and much more patient and family friendly than what we had with Annabeth. (We do not foresee that we will need the NICU at this time but I wanted to see it just in case) The postpartum rooms will be opened May 21, so we are telling Owen that he has to stay put until we can have a beautiful, new spa-like postpartum room!

The tour made me feel more calm and prepared. It reassured me that this can, and hopefully will, be a different experience. I pray that I will hold him first. I will do skin-to-skin. Mark will hold him with me. The staff reminded me that I have the right to try for the birth that I want and that I will be safe.

The real change of heart, the reassurance came in knowing that "the" room is no more.
The room where her heart stopped.
The room where I delivered a blue, gray, lifeless baby.
The room where she was supposed to breathe and didn't.
The room where my heart broke.
The room where we experienced our greatest sorrow.
THAT room is gone.

It doesn't take away that day. It doesn't take away all of the memories. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't leave me completely unafraid for Owen's delivery. But now I know, walking in to have him, I won't pass that room and, Lord willing, it won't all happen again.

3 Years Later...

Today, our sweet girl, our Nanners, our Annabeth Sage is 3.

3 years old.

As I sit, amazed, that three years have passed so quickly, I, as always near her birthday, really feel a lot of emotions about her birthday.

I, quite honestly, despite reading the baby books and taking the baby classes had very little expectations about labor and delivery. My birth plan literally said, "Get her out." Until I learned I couldn't have an epidural due to my drug allergies I had planned on that, plan changed. I always kind of thought I would have to have a c-section like my Mama did with both of us girls, plan changed. For the first 20ish hours of labor I thought "this isn't so bad," that changed. I think even after it all happened, I did not realize how much it would change my life. Our families came and met her. They held her, took pictures, and we all were so happy. But, slowly, over time more and more of what happened came back to me and more and more I realized that it was very traumatic for me and for Mark.

I am sure some people reading this are thinking...
"Really?! It's been three years. Be thankful for your baby."
"I lost a child to a miscarriage, be thankful you have a baby."
"Our child died, yours is alive, be thankful."

If you are one of those people, you have the right to those thoughts. But I will add:
We do have a child.
We have a healthy and happy child.
BUT
We also suffered something very traumatic.
We saw our child die. We saw her breathless, lifeless.
At the end of labor and delivery, we had a body not a breathing, living baby.
AND
By the grace of God, we have our Miracle Girl.
That does not make the rest of it easy or better.
It doesn't take away when she was gone.
It doesn't mean that I have to move on today.
I will rejoice and I will grieve in my own ways and my own time.

So today, I will hold my three year old. I will kiss her and hug her and be ever so thankful that she is here with us. I will also cry today. I will remember with sadness and gladness the day she was born. Most of all today I will pray. I will thank and praise the Lord for Annabeth. I will pray for St. Francis and Riley Children's Hospital staff with thanks for their work in helping our family. I will pray for families who have also walked through this. I will pray for those that will walk through it in the future. May His Will be done in our lives and theirs. Amen.

Please don't ask us...

In reference to our family:

Please Don't Ask Us:
"Is she your only one?"
"When are you going to have another?"
"Don't you want a boy?"
"Don't you think she needs a brother or sister?"

Please Don't Tell Us:
"You don't want to wait too long..."
"You don't want too much time between them."
"She will really be missing out without a sibling."
"You will regret it."

Please Understand:
Annabeth's delivery was difficult.
Annabeth sees specialists as a result of her cardiac arrest.
Amy has had three surgeries since then to correct issues from our pregnancy/delivery.
We struggled with infertility the first go around and have some fear of going through it again.
We have prayed and for now our feeling is that our family is complete.

Annabeth is a miracle. Her life is precious. We are so blessed to be her parents.
We may change our minds. God may have another plan.
Until then, this is our family, please use your words kindly and love us for who we are:
The Riley Three.

Our Annabeth Sage.

Our most precious gift.

Our life and love. 

Photo Credit: Donna Rice 

Dancing with my Miracle

Last night Annabeth turned on Mark's clock radio and began to dance.

She put her hands above her head and turned in circles laughing. She loves to "'pin! 'pin!" as she calls her spins.

I burst into tears. Moments like that amaze me. On October 5, 2011 at 8:55 am, after her heart stopped, Mark and I thought for a while we would never have moments like this. Dancing moments. Laughing moments. Sweet moments. In fact, we didn't think we would have any moments. For those long minutes we waited to hear from the NICU, we thought her life was over. We thought our memories would be our pregnancy and then a series of sad good-byes to our blue, gray, lifeless girl.

So, moments when we dance, moments when that same little girl is red cheeked with laughter and joy, I cry. I cry and cry and cry and praise the Lord for our Miracle Girl.

Annabeth said, "Oh no! Mama sad!" And as I cried too hard to reply Mark hugged us close and said, "No, Mama is happy. So happy."

And I am. I am happy. I am blessed. I am thankful each precious day for our precious girl.

To God be ALL the glory. Amen.

Doing her Beam Work at Dance Class. 

Two.

It is so hard to believe that our Annabeth Sage is two today.

Where has the time gone?

At 2, Annabeth is wild and spunky. She has a HUGE personality and about five different crazy laughs. She loves to dance, sign, and sing around the house. She loves dogs and horses. She loves to look out the car window for flags flying in the breeze. She loves her Winnie the Pooh tapes and pushing her shopping cart loaded down with toys around the house. She loves the colors pink and purple. She loves to hold hands, hug, and kiss. She loves to sit on the counter while I cook dinner. She loves gymnastics class and doing flips. She loves books and can read "I love you through and through" to us. She loves her seal CeCe and the stuffed puppies that Mark has given her. She loves covering up with blankets and snuggling. She loves building tents in the living room. She loves Hello Kitty just like her Mama. She loves being outdoors. Our Little Bit is so full of love.

As a a Mama, I think so many times a day about how blessed I am. I think back to all of the negative pregnancy tests, I think back to the fertility specialists, and I think about the medicines and vitamins we took. I think about those two pink lines in the early morning on January 28, I think about the prayers of joy that day, and all of the prayers of worry for the months to come. I think about seeing that ultrasound and about naming our girl. I think about that 2 pm phone call on October 4 for Mark to come home to take me to the hospital. I think about that long night in labor and remember random things: the way the door sounded each time a nurse came in, Mark eating M&Ms, and wishing I had packed flip flops so I didn't have to walk barefoot. I think back to savoring the movements she made in my belly and the sweet sound of her heartbeat. Then I think of when that sound stopped. I think of the chaos, the NICU team, the sad look in so many eyes, the counts for chest compressions, the words "Cardiac Arrest," the look in Mark's eyes, the worst pain I have ever felt, and the fear as they rushed her away. I think of the two hours I lay there alone as they sewed me up, hours without answers, without Mark. I think of when he came back with those two little pictures of our girl. I think of that long wheelchair ride to the NICU. I think of seeing her, holding her, crying too hysterically to introduce myself to her. I think of nursing her for the first time in the NICU. I think of wanting to never let go.

I think of the day to day worries, all the trips to Audiology and Cardiology since she was born. I think of the worry each time I meet a child her age who speaks more or more clearly - the loss of oxygen could have caused permanent hearing loss. Mark and I work with her each day on letter sounds, each one she doesn't repeat leaving a fear in my heart that it's happening now. Then the trips for Well-Visits. The worry that this well-check will be the one where Cardiology doesn't have good news for me. The worry that they tell me it's "normal" that her lips and mouth often turn blue after she runs or when she sleeps. We trust the Lord to care for her and we accept any challenges that he gives her, us, to face but the fear is if, when it will happen. I beg Him often "Just tell us when! I can handle it if I know when it's coming!!"

I wonder if it'll ever not hurt. I know others think we should just be thankful, and we are. We have so many family members and friends who have lost children forever to the Lord but there was a very real loss in our lives that day and moving through it is so difficult even two years later. I struggle with why it happened. I struggle with the knowledge that the circumstances of her emergency delivery make it unsafe to have another blessing. I struggle with the way I talked to God that day. I struggle with the fact that I still sometimes wake up startled from a dream of seeing her the first way I saw her: pale, blue, still, gone.

I thank and praise the Lord daily for answering my strangled prayer of "Dear God, please save our baby." I thank and praise Him for the two years that we have been blessed to hold and love Sweet Nanners.

2 years. I pray for as many more as the Lord sees fit to give us.

"A Baby Story" Reflection

I recently caught an episode of "A Baby Story" on TLC. In this particular episode what happened with Annabeth's delivery, happened for this couple as well, the difference being their beautiful little girl lived just five days before entering the Life Eternal.

I keep thinking back to her birthday, maybe because her one year birthday is so quickly approaching, but I find myself thinking of that morning so often now. The panic in my doctor's eyes. The room full of specialists. The complete and utter joy of having her which turned to heart wrenching sadness when I realized that she was already gone. The little blue body without a heartbeat, my daughter. The ashen look of grief in Mark's eyes. I hear my desperate, strangled prayers of "Dear God, please save our Baby." I think of the paperwork where they wrote TOA instead of TOB (Time of Arrival instead of Time of Birth). I think of the agony, the anger at having been given life's most precious gift and then having it ripped away. And then I remember the tiny wimper. The rush to the NICU. Pushing Mark to go with her so she wouldn't be alone. The hour long wait to know what was happening, to see her pictures. The two hour wait to meet my little girl.

I thank God for every single precious moment we have been given with her. I

I pray for that couple who only had five days of precious moments to share. I pray for as many days to share with Annabeth that God sees fit to give us.

I am eternally grateful for my life, for her life, for our lovely life together.

The Longest Minutes

Annabeth Sage Riley arrived Wednesday, October 5, 2011 at 8:55 am.

I promise that I am not about to share our complete birth story but will share God's amazing grace!

The Short Birth Story: Arrived at hospital at 2:15 pm on October 4. Confirmed labor. Officially admitted at 4:20. No epidural due to a drug allergy. LONG night of labor. Pushing began at 6:15 am, around 8:52 her heart stopped, and at 8:55 am Annabeth Sage arrived. Some time down the hallway her life began again.

When a baby is born usually the nurses say, "It's a boy or girl" ours looked me in the eyes and said, "You're not going to hear your baby cry right now." And at the place where the usually call out a length and weight, four doctors announced, "No heartbeat. Beginning chest compressions now." Our 2 hours and 45 minutes of drug-free pushing had gone from Dr Franklin, a nurse, Mark, and me to a room full of OBS and NICU staff in a matter of seconds. I looked at Mark, saw the complete and utter fear in his eyes, and I began repeating "Dear God, please save our baby" over and over again.

We had waited and prayed for so long for a baby that when we learned that we were expecting it was the greatest miracle either of us had ever known. We lived in fear that everyday of expecting our little on would be the last. Then in those hours of labor I finally felt like I could breathe, like she was 'for sure' ours. God had other plans, He had planned the longest minute of our lives as doctors and nurses worked for the Lord and through Him our little girl began her life. We thought we heard a little cry and then they rushed her to the NICU. We waited a long time to hear what had happened. We later learned she began to breathe at 8:59 am. Four minutes - an amount of time that seems like nothing but this one time it was everything. Thank you God for Your amazing grace and our incredible miracle! To Him be all the glory!