Last night I cried, and by cried I mean the world caved in as I sobbed for an hour, first in the bathroom, then in bed.
Baby Blues.
That little phrase makes it sound almost cute but I feel like it's something everyone's afraid to talk about, afraid to admit if it's happening to them.
Our daughter is beautiful. She has a wonderful smile and the little laugh she's begun laughing this week is precious. I love that her hair, depsite have never been cut, has a perfect little line in the back as though we trim it daily. I love that she watches her hands as though they are the most fascinating things on earth. I love that she adores her daddy. I love everything about my little miracle.
The world told us "never" and God said "yes, in My time." She is the thing I prayed most dilligently for. She is the blessing we never dreamt we'd have.
But that doesn't mean it's perfect. Sometimes she feels like a house guest who will never leave. Sometimes she cries for hours even though the colic ended weeks again. Sometimes nothing on earth makes her happy. Sometimes it's so lonely even though she is always there. Sometimes I miss being alone or having dinner with just Mark. Sometimes I wish for quiet at 2 am.
Then the guilt happens. We were told "never" and by his AMAZING grace we have her. When Anna died, as I begged God to "please save our baby" in that delivery room I swore I would love every scream if He would just let her live. I break that promise to Him daily, sometimes it's all just too much.
I share this because I love my family, because I love Anna, because I feel like it's something that isn't said enough: Sometimes it's too much - too much good, happy, sad, too much everything. And yet, this life, my incredible life, is such a blessing. So, THANK YOU to everyone who comes and helps to hold her, to keep me company, and who holds us in your prayers. May our gray winter days filled with blues turn quickly to sunny, spring filled with sunshine.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
New Year's Resolutions
1. To become less selfish.
If you have ever been/are pregnant you know that being incredibly spoiled is a very special part of that time of your life. Recovery after delivery is an even greater time of being spoiled. THANK YOU! to everyone who spoiled me BUT it's time for me to begin doing things for myself again and to actively begin giving back.
2. To cherish.
I know my life has just become the best it has ever been and I want to enjoy each and every moment.
3. To be a better mother.
I have a long list of ways I'd like to improve based on what I have already learned these past three months. I have promised her time and time again in her journal that I will do my very best at this special job for her, for always.
4. To be a better wife
I read lots of books while we were expecting and I kept coming across the same advice and many sources, including His Word, made it clear that I am to be Mark's wife first and foremost and then Annabeth's Mama. Already I see that it's easy to make my relationship with her the center because she needs us to do everything for her, because she cannot eat without me, because she is who I spend my days and nights with BUT I cannot possibly be a good mother to her without being a good wife to my husband, her beloved Dadddy.
Each year I make resolutions and each year I do a fairly good job of keeping with me. I am praying that I will find myself successful in these endeavors this year. Happy 2012.
If you have ever been/are pregnant you know that being incredibly spoiled is a very special part of that time of your life. Recovery after delivery is an even greater time of being spoiled. THANK YOU! to everyone who spoiled me BUT it's time for me to begin doing things for myself again and to actively begin giving back.
2. To cherish.
I know my life has just become the best it has ever been and I want to enjoy each and every moment.
3. To be a better mother.
I have a long list of ways I'd like to improve based on what I have already learned these past three months. I have promised her time and time again in her journal that I will do my very best at this special job for her, for always.
4. To be a better wife
I read lots of books while we were expecting and I kept coming across the same advice and many sources, including His Word, made it clear that I am to be Mark's wife first and foremost and then Annabeth's Mama. Already I see that it's easy to make my relationship with her the center because she needs us to do everything for her, because she cannot eat without me, because she is who I spend my days and nights with BUT I cannot possibly be a good mother to her without being a good wife to my husband, her beloved Dadddy.
Each year I make resolutions and each year I do a fairly good job of keeping with me. I am praying that I will find myself successful in these endeavors this year. Happy 2012.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Memories and Miracles
I am home for Christmas for the first time in two years. I feel very nostalgic for the years I have had. Some memories...
9 - The age I first played a flute, the action that changed and shaped the rest of my life
11 years, 364 days - I got my ears pierced, I had waited my whole life and felt just awesome
14 - Worst birthday of my life, I learned EXACTLY what kind of friend I never wanted to be
16- The age when I truly understood the meaning of "heaven" and "forever"
18 - I graduated high school, moved two hours from home, and started college
19 - I fulfilled my lifelong dream of working at Lakeview, met Mark, and lost Brandon Sage
20 - Mark and I got engaged
21 - I graduated from UofL
22 - Mark and I got married and bought our first house
23 - We learned we were expecting
24 - I became a Mama
Sometimes the best times are just measured in days...
80 - The number of days old our miracle is
Last Christmas we were miserable. We had given up on trying and had just made the decision to actively begin the adoption process the following month. We knew the wait may be many years while waiting for a placement and we worried about how many more days, weeks, months, years, Christmases we would have without a little one. But at our very lowest, our very weakest, God reminded us that HE is the author and perfecter of life and that His Will will be done.
Dear God,
Thank you for the past 80 days and for our beautiful Christmas Blessing. We love you! Amen.
9 - The age I first played a flute, the action that changed and shaped the rest of my life
11 years, 364 days - I got my ears pierced, I had waited my whole life and felt just awesome
14 - Worst birthday of my life, I learned EXACTLY what kind of friend I never wanted to be
16- The age when I truly understood the meaning of "heaven" and "forever"
18 - I graduated high school, moved two hours from home, and started college
19 - I fulfilled my lifelong dream of working at Lakeview, met Mark, and lost Brandon Sage
20 - Mark and I got engaged
21 - I graduated from UofL
22 - Mark and I got married and bought our first house
23 - We learned we were expecting
24 - I became a Mama
Sometimes the best times are just measured in days...
80 - The number of days old our miracle is
Last Christmas we were miserable. We had given up on trying and had just made the decision to actively begin the adoption process the following month. We knew the wait may be many years while waiting for a placement and we worried about how many more days, weeks, months, years, Christmases we would have without a little one. But at our very lowest, our very weakest, God reminded us that HE is the author and perfecter of life and that His Will will be done.
Dear God,
Thank you for the past 80 days and for our beautiful Christmas Blessing. We love you! Amen.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Reason for the Season
Saturday the third was our church's Breakfast with Jesus and Santa. As one of the families with a little baby we were asked to play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus.
We had gotten dressed and were sitting in the little stable when a little girl who had just nocholantly seen Santa pointed and screamed "BABY JESUS!!!" It was like the kids who scream at Justin Beiber she just kept saying, "Baby Jesus! Mom, that's him! Baby Jesus!"
Such complete and utter joy. It was wonderful to see someone who not only gets the "it" of the season but who PASSIONATELY LOVES the real reason for the season!
Merry Christmastime Friends!
We had gotten dressed and were sitting in the little stable when a little girl who had just nocholantly seen Santa pointed and screamed "BABY JESUS!!!" It was like the kids who scream at Justin Beiber she just kept saying, "Baby Jesus! Mom, that's him! Baby Jesus!"
Such complete and utter joy. It was wonderful to see someone who not only gets the "it" of the season but who PASSIONATELY LOVES the real reason for the season!
Merry Christmastime Friends!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
Usually I make a post of the top ten things we're thankful for each Thanksgiving. This year has been a lot of days that I am thankful for.
01.01.11 - The beginning of a new year, the one we vowed to live happily as "just the two of us"
01.28.11 - The day we learned there was THREE of us
02.14.11 - My 24th Birthday
02.15.11 - The first day I threw up all day and I really felt pregnant
03.03.11 - Mark's 23rd Birthday
03.31.11 - The day we first heard "Baby's" Heartbeat
05.21.11 - The day we saw her beautful face
Alot of anxious days inbetween waiting for...
10.05.11 - Annabeth Sage Riley's Birthday
Alot of wonderful days inbetween...
Today. We are so thankful for today. Last year I was thankful for my gradually improving health and a doctor who was willing to let us try. This year I am thankful for my gradually improving healing and the doctors who saved her life.
After all of the frustration and pain of "everyone but us" experiencing the joy of being parents we are so thankful that it was part of His plan to let us be hers.
Happy Thanksgiving to all those who prayed for us and with us and for our little miracle.
01.01.11 - The beginning of a new year, the one we vowed to live happily as "just the two of us"
01.28.11 - The day we learned there was THREE of us
02.14.11 - My 24th Birthday
02.15.11 - The first day I threw up all day and I really felt pregnant
03.03.11 - Mark's 23rd Birthday
03.31.11 - The day we first heard "Baby's" Heartbeat
05.21.11 - The day we saw her beautful face
Alot of anxious days inbetween waiting for...
10.05.11 - Annabeth Sage Riley's Birthday
Alot of wonderful days inbetween...
Today. We are so thankful for today. Last year I was thankful for my gradually improving health and a doctor who was willing to let us try. This year I am thankful for my gradually improving healing and the doctors who saved her life.
After all of the frustration and pain of "everyone but us" experiencing the joy of being parents we are so thankful that it was part of His plan to let us be hers.
Happy Thanksgiving to all those who prayed for us and with us and for our little miracle.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Annabeth Update
Annabeth was three weeks old yesterday -
Some of you will say "Where has the time gone?!"
Mark and I are thinking, "That's it?!"
Annabeth's Top 5 Favorite Things:
5. Screaming instead of sleeping.
4. Cuddling.
3. Eating.
2. Holding her head up to look around at everything.
1. Her Dad. She loves him more than ANYTHING which I love to watch!
Annabeth's 5 Least Favorite Things:
5. Wearing clothes.
4. Changes to her schedule - She IS my child!!
3. Being cradled like a baby
2. Her hat falling down over her eyes
1. Peeing. She screams bloody murder every single time.
*Yes, we've had the doctor check everything and she's fine, she just hates it*
Measurements:
Birth Day (10.05.11): Weight: 9.1 lbs and Length: 21 1/4 inches
Going Home Day (10.07.11): Weight: 8.11 lbs and Length 21 1/4 inches
Two Week Check Up (10.19.11): Weight: 9.7 lbs and Length 21 1/2 inches
We thank God continuously for the incredible blessing of being Annabeth's Mom and Dad.
Thank you to all of you who have called to check on us, brought us food, let us cry/laugh/share stories, and for all of your prayers!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The Longest Minutes
Annabeth Sage Riley arrived Wednesday, October 5, 2011 at 8:55 am.
I promise that I am not about to share our complete birth story but will share God's amazing grace!
The Short Birth Story: Arrived at hospital at 2:15 pm on October 4. Confirmed labor. Officially admitted at 4:20. No epidural due to a drug allergy. LONG night of labor. Pushing began at 6:15 am, around 8:52 her heart stopped, and at 8:55 am Annabeth Sage arrived. Some time down the hallway her life began again.
When a baby is born usually the nurses say, "It's a boy or girl" ours looked me in the eyes and said, "You're not going to hear your baby cry right now." And at the place where the usually call out a length and weight, four doctors announced, "No heartbeat. Beginning chest compressions now." Our 2 hours and 45 minutes of drug-free pushing had gone from Dr Franklin, a nurse, Mark, and me to a room full of OBS and NICU staff in a matter of seconds. I looked at Mark, saw the complete and utter fear in his eyes, and I began repeating "Dear God, please save our baby" over and over again.
We had waited and prayed for so long for a baby that when we learned that we were expecting it was the greatest miracle either of us had ever known. We lived in fear that everyday of expecting our little on would be the last. Then in those hours of labor I finally felt like I could breathe, like she was 'for sure' ours. God had other plans, He had planned the longest minute of our lives as doctors and nurses worked for the Lord and through Him our little girl began her life. We thought we heard a little cry and then they rushed her to the NICU. We waited a long time to hear what had happened. We later learned she began to breathe at 8:59 am. Four minutes - an amount of time that seems like nothing but this one time it was everything. Thank you God for Your amazing grace and our incredible miracle! To Him be all the glory!
I promise that I am not about to share our complete birth story but will share God's amazing grace!
The Short Birth Story: Arrived at hospital at 2:15 pm on October 4. Confirmed labor. Officially admitted at 4:20. No epidural due to a drug allergy. LONG night of labor. Pushing began at 6:15 am, around 8:52 her heart stopped, and at 8:55 am Annabeth Sage arrived. Some time down the hallway her life began again.
When a baby is born usually the nurses say, "It's a boy or girl" ours looked me in the eyes and said, "You're not going to hear your baby cry right now." And at the place where the usually call out a length and weight, four doctors announced, "No heartbeat. Beginning chest compressions now." Our 2 hours and 45 minutes of drug-free pushing had gone from Dr Franklin, a nurse, Mark, and me to a room full of OBS and NICU staff in a matter of seconds. I looked at Mark, saw the complete and utter fear in his eyes, and I began repeating "Dear God, please save our baby" over and over again.
We had waited and prayed for so long for a baby that when we learned that we were expecting it was the greatest miracle either of us had ever known. We lived in fear that everyday of expecting our little on would be the last. Then in those hours of labor I finally felt like I could breathe, like she was 'for sure' ours. God had other plans, He had planned the longest minute of our lives as doctors and nurses worked for the Lord and through Him our little girl began her life. We thought we heard a little cry and then they rushed her to the NICU. We waited a long time to hear what had happened. We later learned she began to breathe at 8:59 am. Four minutes - an amount of time that seems like nothing but this one time it was everything. Thank you God for Your amazing grace and our incredible miracle! To Him be all the glory!
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