Friday, January 27, 2012

Thank You Heather

This past Saturday my friend Heather went Home to Jesus.

I first met Heather while in Middle School Youth Group at Old North. She was the high school leader so I just saw her on and off through those years and then freshman year she became my youth group leader. I was 14, just coming out of those awful, awkward middle school years and really looking for the "answers" to life.

One of the first things Heather helped me see is that there are not "answers" to life but rather One Beautiful Answer - God. I had always believed in Him, the way kids do when they are raised by Christian parents and in the church but it was really my high school years where I found my faith becoming an active part of my life.

Heather took me on my first mission trip, she let me lead youth group, she encouraged me to share with others, and to open my heart to Him and His goodness. Heather was a friend like none other. Heather understood me and helped me grow like no other teacher or mentor in my life.

Since my sister called with the news on Saturday, I have been thinking of that song that goes something like "Thank you for giving to the Lord/I am a life that was changed...One by one they came/Far as the eye could see" I think Heaven will be like that for Heather, a long, beautiful line of people thanking her for her service as one of God's most beautiful and faithful servants. I feel so peaceful in her passing because when she first got sick I took the time to write a letter to her saying all of this and more. I feel even more peaceful in her passing because she's at the best party ever, the Eternal Party with Jesus as the Host.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Last night I cried, and by cried I mean the world caved in as I sobbed for an hour, first in the bathroom, then in bed.

Baby Blues.

That little phrase makes it sound almost cute but I feel like it's something everyone's afraid to talk about, afraid to admit if it's happening to them.

Our daughter is beautiful. She has a wonderful smile and the little laugh she's begun laughing this week is precious. I love that her hair, depsite have never been cut, has a perfect little line in the back as though we trim it daily. I love that she watches her hands as though they are the most fascinating things on earth. I love that she adores her daddy. I love everything about my little miracle.

The world told us "never" and God said "yes, in My time." She is the thing I prayed most dilligently for. She is the blessing we never dreamt we'd have.

But that doesn't mean it's perfect. Sometimes she feels like a house guest who will never leave. Sometimes she cries for hours even though the colic ended weeks again. Sometimes nothing on earth makes her happy. Sometimes it's so lonely even though she is always there. Sometimes I miss being alone or having dinner with just Mark. Sometimes I wish for quiet at 2 am.

Then the guilt happens. We were told "never" and by his AMAZING grace we have her. When Anna died, as I begged God to "please save our baby" in that delivery room I swore I would love every scream if He would just let her live. I break that promise to Him daily, sometimes it's all just too much.

I share this because I love my family, because I love Anna, because I feel like it's something that isn't said enough: Sometimes it's too much - too much good, happy, sad, too much everything. And yet, this life, my incredible life, is such a blessing. So, THANK YOU to everyone who comes and helps to hold her, to keep me company, and who holds us in your prayers. May our gray winter days filled with blues turn quickly to sunny, spring filled with sunshine.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

1. To become less selfish.
If you have ever been/are pregnant you know that being incredibly spoiled is a very special part of that time of your life. Recovery after delivery is an even greater time of being spoiled. THANK YOU! to everyone who spoiled me BUT it's time for me to begin doing things for myself again and to actively begin giving back.

2. To cherish.
I know my life has just become the best it has ever been and I want to enjoy each and every moment.

3. To be a better mother.
I have a long list of ways I'd like to improve based on what I have already learned these past three months. I have promised her time and time again in her journal that I will do my very best at this special job for her, for always.

4. To be a better wife
I read lots of books while we were expecting and I kept coming across the same advice and many sources, including His Word, made it clear that I am to be Mark's wife first and foremost and then Annabeth's Mama. Already I see that it's easy to make my relationship with her the center because she needs us to do everything for her, because she cannot eat without me, because she is who I spend my days and nights with BUT I cannot possibly be a good mother to her without being a good wife to my husband, her beloved Dadddy.

Each year I make resolutions and each year I do a fairly good job of keeping with me. I am praying that I will find myself successful in these endeavors this year. Happy 2012.