Thirteen Years With Our Miracle Girl

 Thirteen. 

Our little home baker turns a Baker's Dozen today. 

We are so incredibly proud of the wise, sweet girl that Annabeth has become. When she was very young, on a sunny afternoon in our school room, she said "Mama, Jesus died for my sins. I know that He did on the cross. What do I do now?" After I cried, my sweet girl and I prayed that she might live a humble life but speak boldly of Jesus.

I think back to her birthday and in those hours between her arrival and me knowing she was alive, before I ever met her face to face, I prayed, I begged the Lord to save her. I bargained with Him saying "Lord, if you save her, we'll do anything for you!" I am ashamed to not have trusted His plan and to have tried to bargain with the One who created the universe. But I did. And I've worked daily to keep my promises made in those dark, painful hours of waiting. I gave her to Him and it never ceases to amaze me how He's already used her.

Twelve could have been the worst, hardest year for her. Life threw her some big challenges, big hardships, and very few ever know it. In the middle of countless appointments, PT and rehab work at the office and home, and in the midst of great disappointments Annabeth chose JOY. 

This last year, in the middle of great personal struggle, Annabeth chose service, she chose others, she chose to go beyond herself to be there for other people. 

Even as her own dance plans had to evolve and as she was asked to give up tumbling, changing goals forever, she agreed to teach others. When her ability to do a thing she loves deeply was taken away, she chose to happily teach others. To watch her grow and teach each week is such a gift. She is never bitter, never angry to help others develop skills she's had to walk away from. 

In a year, that was physically so painful and so hard. She worked to rehab so she could participate fully in life. In the midst of hard days she was there for her friends, helped others, and served faithfully in every way she was asked at church and home. 

To have a child who loves the Lord, who loves others, and who shares the Light in the midst of her own darkness makes me incredibly thankful. Countless times Mark and I cried out this year, "Why her again?!" as we were frustrated with waiting without answers. But only once did she cry for all that she was losing. Instead she kept sharing, giving, and learning new skills. 

Our Miracle Girl keeps fighting, keeps defying the challenges, and never lets any situation steal her joy. We've reflected a lot on the thought that "our joy comes from the Lord not from our circumstances." She's living it, daily. 

People have always said to us, "there's something different about her, something special" - of course there is! It's the same thing that makes each of us incredibly special - she was perfectly, wonderfully made and is saved by grace. If you want to know more - ask! I'm incredibly proud to say my gal will boldly share Truth with you that you might come to love the Lord just like her. 

So Annabeth Sage - Happy 13 to the one who already knows all of the important, eternal lessons, lives life beautifully, and inspires me to be better everyday. You are deeply, forever loved by us and Jesus.  

Annabeth Sage

My Endometriosis Journey

 March is Endometriosis Awareness Month.

What is Endometriosis? Endometriosis is a condition where the lining of the uterus flows out into the pelvic cavity - instead of flowing out of the body it wraps around organs in the body. About 11% of American women are diagnosed with Endometriosis.

Here's my story...

I always had really painful cycles - I thought that was normal. I knew my other friends had cramps and I just assumed I wasn't as tough as them as I went home early from school or stayed home from events in pain. 

This continued until I was 20. I was in my 3rd, and final, year at college and was in horrific pain not just "that" week but throughout the month as well. The pain was getting worse and I found myself staying in my apartment more and more. At first, I thought it was the stress of carrying 21 credit hours, balancing work and school, and living off campus for the first time. By October I called my mom and said "I think I need to see a doctor." I went home on Fall Break and saw our family physician who ordered and ultrasound. I was back at school by the time it had been read so we just had a phone call about the results. She diagnosed me with Stage 3 Endometriosis. She recommended oral hormones and suggested that when I got married (Mark and I were engaged already) that I see a specialist as I would need surgery in order to get pregnant. 

That was a HEAVY phone call. I was alone in my apartment, not sure want to think, called Mark sobbing to let him know that I may not be able to have children, he reassured me that he was open to adoption, and I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription. The oral medication did help relieve some pain during my cycles and I had less breakthrough pain during the rest of the month. It felt like the best case scenario and just wanted to survive the rest of college.

Me at 20.

This is my favorite picture from that fall. My friend Daniel

and I walked to the stadium for a UfoL game.

**I do want to point out that I was INCREDIBLY blessed to be diagnosed by the first doctor that I saw and at a young age. Thankfully she was very knowledgeable and quick to name the problem. I now know people who see multiple doctors before getting any kind of diagnosis. 

Mark and I married in May 2009. I saw two doctors in Indianapolis before finding our family practitioner that we love. The first two doctors were not kind or understanding in any way. They were always short with me, quick to get me out the door, and I didn't know how to stand up for myself and to ask for more. I just quietly dealt with the pain and the fear that we wouldn't be able to have children.

By the grace of God have welcomed two biological children. Both times it took us quite a while to get pregnant but we feel incredibly blessed to have had two healthy pregnancies and two healthy babies. While we had difficult, horrific with Annabeth, deliveries none of the issues with either delivery were because of my endometriosis.

We welcomed Annabeth in October 2011.

Owen joined us in June 2015

Having the children was wonderful and exciting and my health took a backseat. I dealt with chronic discomfort and pain over the years and masked it by staying home many days. I was frustrated. I felt like in my 20s I should have been able to easily take my kids to the library or park without terrible pain. Every doctor visit I would mention it but each time I heard "It's just like this for some ladies" or "Some people have a harder time than others" or "You just have to deal with it" 

In July 2018, I sneezed in our kitchen and fell to my knees in pain. I spent months having expensive scans done, meeting with surgeons, and visiting new doctors. I have written about my 2018 surgery here. In short, I FINALLY met a doctor who said "Amy, this is really serious. You have polyps in your uterus and you have endometriosis spread through out your stomach. We're going to do surgery next week." That surgery changed everything for me and meeting that surgeon changed everything. Following that surgery I had 18 months with virtually no pain. My cycles were tolerable. I could take the kids on long walks, go on hikes, visit the park and never worry that I wouldn't be able to walk to the car. I felt like I had my body back and I also felt like I had so much mental health back as I was finally heard.

Then last spring it was back. At first small crampy pain, then that nagging ache, and by summer the pain was back in full force. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain while waiting to turn in Annabeth's 4H project, I would collapse in the car after pushing a shopping cart through the grocery, I began making excuses to stay home so no one would know. 

By July I couldn't take it anymore and called my favorite surgeon. He saw me within days because of the fear of polyps (possible cancer) returning. The ultrasound confirmed what I already knew - the endometriosis was everywhere, wrapped around organs, and a large tumor had formed. We made one last ditch effort to treat it with medication, the insurance company likes to see this tried before they cover surgery, but 60 days into the 90 day trial I was worse than ever. So, last fall, at just 33 I had a hysterectomy (full post on that here) 

Since having Annabeth I have had five surgeries, some too personal to ever include here. For 13 years I fought a battle with the name Endometriosis and for many years before that I fought a nameless beast. I am daily amazed with how I feel - I find myself walking with the kids, afraid to walk too far until I remember that there's no pain - I can make it home. Sitting on hard chairs or in the car used to cause pressure and pain - I avoided visiting family/friends because I didn't want to deal with the pain. We went to Florida after the surgery and I easily made the trip. As of November I am officially cancer/tumor free. The last step of this journey will be a one year check in October to ensure that no microscopic endometriosis was left. 

Why do I share this?

I share for my 20 year old self who didn't know that I deserved more than a phone call diagnosis and a pill treatment plan.

I share for my 20-something year old self who was ignored, belittled, and shot down by OBGYNs who should have done better.

I share for my 30-something year old self who finally understood how to stand up for myself. 

As for you...

Get checked. Go to your yearly exam. Be open. Be honest. When you're not heard - say it louder and find someone who WILL LISTEN. You get one body, one life. Don't waste it because it's hard to speak out. 

#hysterectomyat33

 Almost two years ago, I posted this Thanksgiving Post about my favorite blessing that year - benign test results from a recent surgery. For nearly 18 months I was relatively pain and symptom free and I really believed that I had found a good solution for my endometrosis.

Then last spring, it was back. That same pain. That same discomfort. That same old same. It started as COVID started so I told myself that it was stress, that it would go away. It didn't.

This time, as the months went on, I began having complications that I had never had before. Finally, mid July I called my OBGYN and after hearing my symptoms they gave me the first available appointment just a few days later.

I started with an ultrasound during which the ultrasound tech went from chatty to quiet. She started measuring. I told her, "I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 20. I can see that it's all back." Then I saw a mass. I knew that it was new. My appointment an hour later confirmed that. All of the endometriosis I had cleared out in 2018 was back and worse than before. They had also found a tumor. 

My doctor assured me the tumor was relatively small and that there was one more pill he wanted me to try before having surgery - again. We discussed another laparoscopic cleanout and the potential benefits of doing a uterine ablation. He asked me to give it three cycles - 9 weeks. After the first pill pack, I was in more pain than ever. I tried to wait the full nine weeks but only made it six. The new scan showed that the tumor had grown.

My doctor was so quiet after the new scan. He finally said, "Are you okay with discussing a hysterectomy?" Ultimately, it was the right decision for me and my situation. After 13 years of endometriosis, the polyps/cancer scare in 2018, the damage done to my uterus during my last surgery, and this new tumor - I understood that it was done. My body was done. 

October 2, 2020 I had a total hysterectomy (removal of uterus, Fallopian tubes, and cervix). I stayed overnight in hospital and, with my doctor's permission, signed myself out about 18 hours after surgery to recover at home. The recovery has been long and hard. I am only 3 weeks in and it's been the most difficult/slowest recovery I have ever had. I stayed horizontal for the first five days, slowly moved to sitting, and am now doing some light movement and housework. The full recovery is 6-8 weeks. 

It has been physically painful and also emotional. We have known since Owen was born that we are complete. I've never had that feeling that someone else was coming but it's still so final, so permanent. I will never carry another baby and while I feel joy in the restoration of my health there is some sorrow in the loss of what might have been. The finality of this surgery has involved some processing on my end.

October 13, 2020 I received the news that everything the surgeon removed was once again BENIGN! Praise the Lord. 

I have debated sharing as this is deeply personal. It has impacted so much of my life, and very little of the lives of family/friends/readers, but I am different now. I wasn't sure if I would just go on like this huge thing never happened or if I would share. When the pain came back last spring, I never imagined this is where we would be in the fall. I share in the hope that someone else experiencing pain or discomfort will have the courage to mention it to their doctor and to seek help. Two years ago, I thought I just had some extra cramps so when they said the word cancer I was shocked. After surgery I was so relieved that I had taken the steps necessary to have surgery and get reults. 

I thank and praise the Lord for seeing me through this surgery, this recovery, and for giving me peace with this next phase of life. I am forever thankful for the friends and family who have poured love over us with prayers, cards, pumpkin bread, dinners, games for the kids, etc. I am so thankful for Mark who has been so patient and kind over the years as I have had days where I was in pain or needed extra rest, who completely agreed with and supported this decision which affects not only my ability to have more children but also his, and who has loved me so beautifully and so well this month (and always) 

Nine.

 Today our Miracle Girl is NINE.

Nine years ago today was the tipping point in my life. While I had experienced pain, loss grief, sadness, and joy I had never before (and never again) experienced it the way I did the morning of October 5, 2011. To lose our girl, to not know if she was alive, to wonder how I would ever move on if good news didn't come from the NICU, and the incredible joy of learning that she lived. I have never been so terrified, so dependent on God, so lost in a moment as I was that morning.  

For years I struggled with immense grief at knowing just how it feels to see a lifeless child. I struggled with the anger of an experience that I later felt could have been avoided. It was so difficult and confusing that no one else seemed to understand. I wanted to scream if one more person said, "Thank goodness she is healthy now. You're both okay." I wasn't okay, she wasn't okay. We spent years seeing specialists, meeting a very high out of pocket deductible year after year. I physically and emotionally wasn't okay. It took so much therapy and so multiple surgeries to "fix" me. 

Today marks nine years of survival - for all of us.

We waited so long to have a baby and were so thankful for God's goodness and grace in saving her. That afternoon, meeting her in NICU, I promised her that if she would just hang in here on earth, that we would give her the world. She did - so we do.

At nine, Annabeth is funky, creative, kind, and growing more and more into her own person. Last week, we had her friend party with some homeschool friends and it was so fun to watch her pick "The Babysitters Club" as a theme. She decorated the mantle with books, created her own Claudia Kishi costume, and then designed/baked/decorated her own dream Barbie cake. 

We decorated the mantle with all of Annabeth's BSC Books

Bright shoes, funky socks, embellished overalls, pink hair - she came 

to her party as Claudia Kishi

Annabeth planned, shopped for, designed, baked,

and decorated her own cake!

There are so many days when I want to just cry at how old she is but I never, never take a moment for granted. We're so unbelievably blessed to be her parents, for God's faithfulness in restoring her heart and giving her very few complications from birth. 

So, my dear Annabeth Sage, on your #9 - Thank you. Thank you for being patient while I learned to parent and while we worked too hard to protect you. Thank you for being kind, loving, and sweet to everyone. Thank you for serving others and for loving your brother. We are so thankful that you are ours, our Miracle Girl. 

Last Minute Snuggles

Today was one of those days.
It was the first day back in a routine in nearly a week.
We had a hectic Thursday last week with a long orthodontist appointment for Annabeth, a fall off a horse for Owen. Friday we had an eye exam and then came home to play outside and bake a birthday cake. Saturday was Annabeth's birthday and then Sunday was birthday part two with Mark's family. Yesterday was birthday recovery, co-op, and difficult news from a friend.

I woke up today not excited.
Not excited to clean or teach or work or parent or... anything.
I wanted a day to myself, to recover from the busyness, to process that hard news.
BUT we homeschool. I'm home full time. The kids are home full time. So no time off here.

Lots of little things added up all day:
getting all of the clothes done, baskets empty, clothes put away only to find a whole outfit under someone's bed,
finding that the kids had played with something I needed for my Usborne Books & More business that I can no longer use. It will be $30 to replace,
Getting to the library only to find that the single item that we HAD to return today was still at home because despite being asked 15 times no one grabbed the library bag,
We got some library books, went to Travel Club, enjoyed a fast-food dinner and a fun movie and yet when it was time for bed all they said was "I wish Grandpa and Mimi were back" and "I wish Daddy was home"

I was irritated. Maybe even angry. I wanted to just throw my hands up and say, "Get in bed people!" while I planned to do better tomorrow.

Then I looked at their little faces, I felt my heart change.
I pulled them in for a last minute group snuggle.

I'm not a perfect parent, I'm not a model homeschool parent, I'm not a boss mom who manages it all beautifully BUT I am currently SO aware of the gift of time with my children.

Two weeks ago, a friend of ours lost his life on the way to work. I know his family, his children would love to snuggle him. This week, my hard news, is that a friend is entering what may be the end of her earthly struggles. I know her family is wishing for time, for her to hold them.

So I hugged my children for myself, for themselves but also for their Daddy who had a meeting, for their grandparents who live out of town and in honor of those who can't be with their families.

I love these two more than they will ever know

Happy #8!

Today we celebrate 8 years with our Miracle Girl.

I wrote last year about how seven was the age she always wanted to be and she was right in wishing for this year - it was wonderful!

At seven Annabeth - mastered reading, bike riding, swimming, and more.
I remember meeting her in the NICU and just staring at her, sobbing, thanking the Lord for saving her but also wondering what huge plan God had for her. He chose to save her. He chose to restart her heart. He gave her this life. I stand in awe of Him always.

As for Annabeth there were SO many times this year that she just amazed me...

Annabeth Sage is sweet, curious, kind, and full of curiosity.

I love her passion for life, her refusal to take "no"for an answer, 

and to see challenges as opportunities to grow.  

One of my favorite moments of the year was this one. 

At the Applause Regional she earned a scholarship to a dance camp in Chicago.

She cried for HOURS. She was just completely overwhelmed with joy and excitement.

It was such a beautiful moment as her Mama to see her hard work pay off - so much so that 

we rearranged our whole summer and our year's budget to make that trip happen.  

While in New York, I found that Annabeth is my kind of traveler,

she also likes to wake up and hit the ground running each day. 

We had so much fun grabbing coffee and exploring Lewiston, NY together.  

Annabeth has been asking for about a year to audition for "America's Got Talent"

so when the opportunity to dance in Johnson County's Got Talent came up, we said "yes."

She danced her little heart out and won the WHOLE show. Her first Grand Champion at just seven years old. My favorite part? All she told anyone about it later was how awesome the ventriloquist

was and how much she loved that girl's act.
Even when it should be all about her, she never makes it that way. 

When Annabeth was four years old, she came out of Toy Gym with Miss Kari

and she said, "Mom. I need to do compete now." Miss Kari just shrugged and smiled and said

"When they love it, they love it." On the way home Annabeth told me her goal was to get 

her picture on the wall of national champions (at four years old this was her goal!!!)

This year, she made it happen. 

She went to Best of the Best for the first time with two dances and her acro group

won first place!  

Dancing in Chicago at Fuzion Dance Camp.

She was the youngest in the whole group, went in confidently, danced her heart out

each and ever day. I would be afraid at my age to do something so intimidating (walking into a group

of strangers, finding my place, and succeeding) But she did it and she did it so bravely.

As Grand Champion, and division winner, she was able to dance at the 

Indiana State Fair. She was, again, the youngest had a great dance and earned a 

Participation Ribbon.

You know what I love?

I love that she was SO proud of her ribbon, proud of her first time at the state fair,

proud to be the first one in the family to earn a State Fair ribbon. She didn't care one little

bit that she didn't place or win. She was just happy to be there.

That sums up Annabeth, happy to be here.

That also sums up how we feel about her. We  know what it's like to wait years for someone, to pray so hard your knees go numb, to wish and dream and plan, and to have it all change when a heartbeat stops. We also know God's incredible goodness and His grace. If anything good comes from any of us, know that it's all because of Him. 

Happy #8 My Miracle Girl. 

Her Favorite Number Seven

Today our Annabeth Sage is SEVEN!
Seven is, and has been for many years, her favorite number. She has been waiting since about her 5th birthday to be 7. She has decided this will be her best birthday and her best year!

I keep journals for the kids and in many instances these blog posts get printed and added as well. But this one, number seven, has been hard to write.

In so many ways, I have moved so far away from her actual birth-day. I have recovered as much as I think I ever will without letting go completely of the goodness and grace of God and His saving hand that morning. I still cry when she dances. I still sneak into her room to watch her sleep. I still stand in complete disbelief sometimes that she is mine, ours.

This year, Annabeth has asked alot of questions about her birth. What happened? Why did it happen? We even talked it over with our doctor together. She had some basic questions like "Why was I blue?" or "Why do we have pictures of Owen being born and not me?" and then some tough ones like "Did I go to heaven when my heart stopped?" and "Do you think I saw Jesus?"

We have been reading Psalms this year and a theme of Psalms is praising God everywhere, for everything, with all that we have. She said to me, "I want to use every heartbeat for Him." It was quietly spoken, on a sunny afternoon in our schoolroom. Just me and my girl and Jesus.

When I look at Annabeth I see JOY. I see such a passion for life and for people and for living.
When I see Annabeth I experience LOVE like no other. She is my firstborn, my first understanding of what it means to unconditionally love.
When I hold her, I am intensely aware of her seven year old body and how far we've come from that tiny 9 lb 1 oz baby. I remember waiting hours to meet her, holding her in the NICU, and trying to introduce myself while just sobbing. She was a tiny little baby, a mixture of my sister and Mark in appearance and I kept thinking, "Why does she look like Lu and Mark?! Why doesn't she look like me?" It was a foreshadowing as she is so much like my sister and so much like Mark!

I am so deeply gratefuly for each and every day with our Nanners,
our Monkey Monk,
our Miracle Girl.
Happy Favorite Number Seven!

Annabeth Sage, 7 months

How did we get to seven years so quickly?!

Top 5 Most Read Posts of 2017

First of all, thank YOU all for reading each week! I am so grateful for all of the readership and support we receive through this blog. This year I have posted more than ever and much of that is thanks to your interest!

Here were our Top 5 Most Read Posts of 2017:

#5 Striving to Create Blank Space in Our Home. This post featured the inspiration for our big overhaul of the way we live as we strive to have less and to enjoy it all more!

#4 6 Years. This was Annabeth's Birthday post this year. I am so thankful for God's provision and for the incredible blessing of our Miracle Girl.

#3 Our Big, Scary Financial Goal for 2018. In an effort to continue being transparent about our Debt Free Journey I shared our big goal for next year. Thank you to everyone who responded with their own goals!

#2 Carseat Poncho Review. Our dear friend Kelly at Heavenbound HCA gave us a carseat poncho to reveiw and enjoy. It's been keeping the kids warm, and stylish, and we are so thankful for such a beautiful gift!

#1 Food Allergy Mama. This post was really more of me journaling, trying to say what I was feeling and you all took it and responded so beautifully! Thank you for everyone who sent prayers, who shared this post, and who supported me as I processed this new stage of life. Our number six most read post was the follow up to this one - How Seeing My Daughter's Allergist Changed My Life.

Again, THANK YOU to all of you who come every week to share Frugal Fridays with us, 

who send messages of encouragement, and who are all part of our little family's life. 

We are so grateful for each of you!

Six Years

Six.

Somehow, it's already been six years.
Somehow, our baby is already six years old.
How? When?

Last week, Mark and I had a long (tearful on my end) talk about our Miracle Girl turning six.
Neither of us can look back at her birthday without anger or sadness.
I have wished every day that I could go back to 4 am on 10/05/11 and beg for the c-section. I wish I would have known more, fought harder, been better prepared. Selfishly I wish I had surgery one way that day instead of the way I did. I wish that we could have avoided, changed, stopped all the things that happened during delivery. I meet and speak with women often about Traumatic Birth and about their own experiences. I wish we didn't have a story to tell.

And then I look at our girl. Our SIX year old girl and I think about the complete miracle that she is!
I think about holding her in the middle of the night on her first night on the outside and telling her:
"You are strong. You are a fighter. I can't wait to see where this life takes you."

And she is.

Annabeth Sage is so bold in her choices, she is so confident in who she is, and she has taken everything in stride with such grace.
Her first five years, we went to countless extra appointments and each time she passed with flying colors. All the side effects she could have had from her time without a heartbeat or oxygen never came. We waited and worried and prayed and each time God allowed us to move through that checkpoint without new concerns. Last year, she was officially given the all-clear! Our girl who was born blue, grey, lifeless has become such a colorful, full-of-life person.

I cannot count the number of people who say to me "There's just something about her..."
There IS something about her.
It's called grace,
By the grace of God - by the steady, healing hands of God, her heart was restarted, her lungs were filled with air again.
And this past year, not just once but twice, our sweet girl survived life-threatening reactions to new allergens. God once again protected our girl.

When I look at Annabeth - I just see the complete and utter goodness of our God.
I am always amazed at her kindness - even with others are mean.
I am impressed by her willingness to try new things and to stretch herself.
I am (to be honest) envious of her self-confidence.
I am encouraged by her Christian witness.
I am blessed, so incredibly blessed, to be her Mama.

Today she is six. Today, like every day, we will celebrate her and, yes as many have accused us of, we will spoil her. We know what it's like to have her and to lose her. We have seen her lifeless. We have seen her still. We have heard her heartbeat stop. And yet our incredible God has given us this second chance to have her and we refuse to waste a moment of it.

Happy #6 to our Miracle Girl.

To read all of her birthday posts:
#5
#4
#3
#2
#1
Her Birth Day

Owen's Mickey Mouse Party

This year, Mark chose Mickey Mouse as the theme for Owen's birthday party. It was the perfect theme - Owen LOVES Mickey!

Over the years, I have had so much fun designing invitations and decorations for our kids' parties. I try to use items we have on hand, re-purpose items, or to buy from local crafters or on Etsy.

The Mickey theme was so easy because it's so popular! Pinterest had a ton of great ideas and I tweaked them and I think I came  up with some fun and cute ideas.

While Mark and I were in Nashville (IN) a few weekends ago, I visited my favorite scrapbook store. I picked up some fun Disney paper and Mickey stickers. I spent around $5 on all of it.

Sign for the front door to welcome our guests. 

 This was the sign on the door going out. 

I had fun using quotes from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show. 

I used some more Mickey paper and a cute picture of Mr. O and

his giant Mickey toy. The little Mickey cutout is actually part of a clothing

tag from some Disney clothes the kids received as a gift. I kept the tag knowing

I might need a Mickey stencil someday.

At the end of his clubhouse show, Mickey says "Thanks for stopping by"

I used that quote on the door sign above and on

the basket of party favors. 

(I found the Mickey bags at Dollar Tree and added three kinds of Mickey

stickers, Mickey tissues, and some candies all for under $5 since I had a 

giftcard to cover much of the party favors for the 6 children who came)

Owen sporting his Two Mickey Shirt.
Shirt from Kinsey Collection on Etsy

I bought this Mama Mouse shirt last fall when I learned that
Annabeth's dance was to "Disco Mickey"
It worked perfectly for this as well!
Shirt from Lattes N Littles on Etsy

Last week we were at Walmart and Annabeth fell in love with these

Minnie and Mickey kissing shoes. They were under $10 so I decided she could have them

Then I felt like Owen needed some Mickey shoes too. I bought some $6 tan shoes 

and used the Mickey stencil to paint a Mickey Mouse on each shoe.

Owen's Birthday cake was from Piece of Cake in Evansville
They made our wedding cakes and have made many of the
kids' birthday cakes. They have the BEST frosting and cake ever!

 Homemade thank you cards.

I made them in the same fonts as the invitations and I used the Mickey

stencil I mentioned above to make red and yellow Mickey heads on each one.

I have so much fun adding all of these special, little touches to the kids' parties! I wish I could find a way to host more themed events so I could make more crafts for them! 

I Cry Every Time She Dances

Annabeth had her first dance competition on Saturday.

Our Tiny Dancer!

Her group earned an "Outstanding" distinction and we were all SO impressed with how well they did. For three of the six girls, it was their first time competing on stage.

As always, she danced and I cried.

A few years ago, I wrote about crying when she danced at home.

Those feelings haven't gone away.

I don't know why dancing is the trigger for me, but I always go back to the day she was born. I think about having her, losing her, and her coming back to us. I think about meeting her, blue-grey and lifeless. I think about waiting to hear from NICU, the doctor's phone ringing non-stop during the surgery, I think of those two tiny pictures NICU took and let Mark bring to me and I think about begging God to "please save our baby." In those hours that I waited to see her, I made God so many promises. I promised Him that we would give her the world, that we would do everything for her, and that we would enjoy every moment if He would just save her. I promise God that we would train her up to love Him and to serve Him. I promised God that if he made her heart beat again that we would do our best to be sure she used every day of her life to glorify Him.

The first time I sat alone with her and cried and cried just holding her. I made her all of those same promises. I promised her that if she would just stay strong and stay with us that I would help her accomplish any and ever dream she had.

She loves it, dancing. Her smile is SO huge, the joy radiates off her as she dances.
Maybe every parent feels that way about their child.
When I see her dance though, I am reminded that God restarted her heart, He brought her back to life. He gave us that day, all the ones since, and He gave us today.
The incredible blessing of spending today with her.

So, sweet Miracle Girl, may you always dance and while you dance I will watch, and cry, and thank God for the incredible gift of you.

Golden #5

Today is our Miracle Girl's 5th Birthday, her #5 on the 5th, her golden birthday.

The weeks leading up to today have been so different than her previous birthdays.

In 2011, we had SO much excitement as we counted down the days to her arrival.
Then her birth day came. Our lives were changed forever.
I knew the greatest sadness and the greatest joy in a matter of hours.
I heard her heartbeat on the monitor, I heard it stop, and then was later told it started again.

Sobbing, meeting Annabeth Sage.

She was over two hours old and I was so excited to finally see her! 

Mark had gone to NICU with her and they, thankfully, had taken two little pictures for him to bring me as they sewed me up but I needed to see her, hold her to know she was going to make it.

I knew in that moment that she was a true fighter, so strong, and that God must have some 

HUGE plans for our girl. 

In 2012, I had recovered from two surgeries after her arrival and had just begun preparing for the third.
Her birthday came and I stared at that little one year old girl, not believing that we had all made it.

Birthday lunch at Einstein Bros Bagel

I love the "Birthday" on her shirt and the "Every Day" on the sign behind her! 

Yes, let's celebrate every day!

In 2013, we celebrated her second birthday with a princess theme.
Mark had to have princess as the theme and I think as much as she was his princess that day, she is even more so now. Mark and Annabeth have such a special relationship. I love to watch them together.

Celebrating with her GIANT princess castle cake.

Mark picked out this cake for her: 

if that isn't proof that she is Daddy's girl, I don't know what is!

In 2014, we celebrated with a Hello Kitty party.
She had picked the theme months before and we watched as she planned her whole party - she even included a seating chart. She was only turning three but we were getting a big glimpse into who she really was.

She loves parties and party planning but still gets a bit shy when all of the attention is on her.

She was so cute, being shy, while we all sang "Happy Tutu" as she called it that year. 

Last year, her birthday came after Owen's arrival. I had healed in so many ways, emotionally, after his birth and was able to feel less pain when preparing for her birthday. She chose a Deer Party during her third birthday party and kept that theme until her 4th. She was becoming so sassy and stubborn and, as from the beginning, strong.

Our beautiful girl, in her special Deer Party dress posing with Owen.

She selected his outfit for the day. 

Her love for him is so beautiful!

This year, for the first time, I haven't felt that overwhelming sadness as her birthday approached. I have been able to reflect on her #4 year as she calls it and have looked forward with joy to her "five birthday."

I will live the rest of my life as Annabeth's Mama. I will live my life in awe and in love with her. She is so incredibly kind to her brother. She is so in love with her Daddy. She is growing and learning so much - most of all I love her dedication to praying and studying the Bible with me daily. I feel so incredibly blessed to know her and to love her.

Happy Five Birthday - Golden Birthday to Annabeth Sage, my Nanners, our Miracle Girl




.

Sometimes Our Mess Is Okay

I tripped over plastic food while cooking breakfast yesterday.

Ugh.

One of my number one rules is no toys in the kitchen.

But this week, like a lot of weeks, there were toys everywhere.

Even the dining room table had toys as it was a "store" this week.

I cleaned the kitchen Thursday morning while Owen destroyed the living room by pulling down all of the toy baskets from the shelves. At the same time, Annabeth took nearly every toy food item out in her kitchen. Once that was all picked up, she moved on to her room, and then later the school room. Meanwhile, Owen tore apart a book in his room.

Many days I hate the mess. I dread picking up toys or fighting the battle to get the kids to pick up toys.

Mark cannot stand the mess either. At the end of a stressful day the last thing he wants is to come home to a living room of My Little Pony craziness.

That being said...some days...many days...our mess is okay.

Many days I love our mess.

Tonight I write this, surrounded by Palace Pets, play food, and trucks that were not picked up because Mark is at work and the kids were so sweet and cuddly in their jammies that I needed to read to them more than I needed to pick up. 

Tonight I sit next to the mess and I love it. 

Our mess is okay because for so long I came home from work to a perfect house.
I always had floors that were vacuumed, swept, and mopped. I had furniture without dust. I had windows without fingerprints or noseprints. I had less than five loads of laundry a week. I only had one bed to change. And in all that time, I had many, many nights when Mark was at work and I sat in the middle of my perfectly clean house and cried. I wish and prayed for a child! I begged God for someone to make a mess in my house! I wanted to change diapers, wake up all night long, and to trip over toys! I wanted to wipe handprints off my fridge and to wash sheets all day long. I wanted tiny socks to fold and little hands to wash. I wanted more than a perfect house, I wanted a family home.

So tonight, sitting in my messy, lived-in home, I thank and praise the Lord for my sweet littles who made this mess. For our Miracle Girl and for Mr. O who make the best messes!

Owen's 1st Birthday Shirt: Etsy Finds

We decided last fall that Owen would have a Bear 1st Birthday party because while I was expecting I became obsessed with bears. It also became evident very early on that O is bear like - he loves to snuggle and sleep and he also really loves to growl.

I had picked party invites, decorations, food, etc and then...Owen fell in love with Mickey.

I mean REALLY in love with Mickey!
When he is crying and we cannot calm him down with games or singing, we can turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and he will start cheering and dancing.
It's adorable!

Naturally, I panicked! I love a theme party and always search for the perfect theme for each of our events. Would Owen even like a bear party? Would it be better to throw a Mickey party in honor of his great love?!

Then I realized that I didn't have a birthday shirt for his actual birthday - just a shirt for his party day.

So, I hopped on my Pinterest page and found a cute Mickey shirt I had pinned months before.

I ordered the shirt off Etsy from KinseyCollection in March and was worried about sizing since Owen has grown so quickly. Shop owner Kinsey was so accommodating and made him a 1st birthday shirt in size 2T. She mailed it out very quickly and also offered to make another in case he outgrew it by his birthday.

Not only did his Mickey One shirt come quickly, it was even more adorable than I had imagined!!

I enjoyed working with Kinsey as we messaged back and forth quite a bit.

Our family was so happy to shop with this Christian, pro-life shop owner! Check out her about page for more information on the good work she is doing with a Women's Shelter to encourage expecting mothers.

And now he is one...

367 (Leap Year!) days ago, I checked into St. Francis to be induced. I was a nervous wreck but trying to be calm as I prepared for labor with Owen. I had spent most of my pregnancy sorting through my emotions, and medical records, about Annabeth's delivery.

366 days ago, at 6:57 pm, I delivered Owen Merit Riley.
It was a perfect delivery. I held him first.
I remember looking at his face, holding him at just seconds old, and knowing that my life was complete.
I always felt like Mark added to my life, then Annabeth added to our lives, but the moment I saw Owen's face I knew we were complete.

Annabeth and Owen could not have been more different babies.
Her baby year was filled with colic, little sleep, tons of medical appointments, postpartum depression, job changes for Mark, surgeries for me, and so so so many emotions.
Owen's baby year was so easy. He was a wonderful sleeper from the get-go. He took long naps, many times a day. He would squish down in his swing or rock-and-play and be happy for hours. We had a few rough weeks around the 6, 12, and 24 week marks but other than that it was smooth sailing with our chill little man.

The word I have used most to describe Owen is sweet.
He is, I am sure, the sweetest baby who has ever lived.
He is such a complete joy to have in our lives.
He spent the first 8 months of life sleeping right next to me, most nights holding my hand. We have finally been able to move his crib a few feet away from our bed but the first thing he does every morning when he wakes up is reach for my hand.
He is never more than a foot away from me unless he is really happy playing with Mark and/or Annabeth.

I remember spending hours just staring at Annabeth as I held her and nursed her. I have been very intentional about doing the same with Owen. I now know just how fast it all goes. I want to remember it all.

I want to bottle up his little baby face and baby hands and keep them forever in my memory.

He has this gorgeous blue eyes and I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he says my name "A-ma."

I cannot imagine our lives without Owen.
We have so enjoyed making him part of our family this past year.
We look forward to all the days ahead of us that the Lord will give us with Owen.

We spent years talking about having another baby, then we enjoyed waiting for his arrival, then we spent a whole year loving on him, and now, seemingly in the blink of an eye, he is one.

6:57 pm on June 2, 2016 - It's official! He is one! 

Happy Birthday First Birthday Owen Merit.

Brother and Sister

February 9, 2015 we went to St. Francis for our 20 week (which ended up being a 24 week) ultrasound.

I was worried about #2's brain, heart, and lungs.

I was worried about the fact that we didn't have a "for sure" girl name and that if #2 was a boy I wouldn't get to use Merit, the name I loved most.

I was most worried about the possibility of #2 being a boy. What would that mean for Annabeth? Since she is a girl I felt like she needed a sister. I have a sister and with just 2.5 years between us we have always been close. We are extremely different but our shared upbringing makes us close. She is the only other person who shares so many of my experiences and memories. What would Annabeth do without a sister?!

That being said, from the first day we told Annabeth we were expecting #2 she said "It's a boy baby! He is my Owen!" She never wavered from that. She never accepted the possibility of a sister or of any girl names. To her #2 was always a boy and always Owen.

She was mildly interested in the ultrasound process and after the first thing we saw on the screen was boy parts she spent the rest of the time gloating. "I told you he a boy! He my Owen!"

After Owen was born, she spent many of his first months ignoring him but her love for him was always evident. She always talks about things they will do "when Owen is a toddler" and has enjoyed helping him learn to eat from a spoon and to crawl. She always thinks of him first and will check in on him all the time.

Yesterday as we were leaving dance class, we saw a hawk in the trees. She was so excited jumping up and down and then she yelled, "Look Owen! See the hawk! Do you see it Bubbas?!" and then to me "Get a picture! It is Owen's first time seeing a hawk on Tuesday!" I had thought she was excited about the hawk but she was more excited about sharing the moment with Owen.

I find myself tearful quite often at how much she loves her brother and at how much he loves her back. He spends his whole day watching her and working to crawl to where ever she is. He loves to hold her hand and pat her back. He will do anything that she asks. If he cannot see her, he looks and looks until he finds her. He even makes a word that sounds very much like "Anna" which he uses anytime he sees her.

To watch my children together is such an incredible blessing. I am so thankful that even though I thought she needed a sister, the Lord knew she had to have Owen.

1st  Matching Outfits

July 2015

Helping him learn to eat baby food.

She was so proud to be allowed to feed him. 

They are always together.

They cannot be close enough, long enough.  

 "The greatest gift our parents gave us was

each other." 

Four.

Today our Sweet Nanners, our Anna Baby, our Annabeth Sage is 4 years old.

How did this happen? Where did the time go?

Annabeth is incredibly kind. She seems to always be thinking of others - especially her friends and Owen. She will often say "remember that ____ is sick or remember that _____ has a baby in her belly, let's pray for them!" She loves to shop for people's birthdays and she loves to make crafts for people as well. She always seems to know when I need a word of encouragement or when I just need someone to hold my hand.

Annabeth is silly. She loves to dance and act out stories. She is currently obsessed with all things Halloween and is always telling "scary" stories. She loves to make up her own songs. She really loves to make silly faces in an attempt to make Owen laugh.

Annabeth lives life moment by moment. She reminds us daily to find the joy in little things. She loves to catch butterflies and loves to stop and look at bugs and animals. She is amazed by simple things.

Annabeth is an incredible big sister. We have not seen many moments of insecurity or jealousy after Owen's arrival. She likes to check on him. She always thinks of him and tries to include him. She is his biggest cheerleader and fan. The day he rolled over I think she was more excited than Mark and myself combined. She will yell, "Look! Owen is ______! Good job Big Boy! Good job!"

 Annabeth is a wonderful daughter. She works so hard to be helpful and obedient. She enjoys cooking and helps me prepare nearly every meal. She runs to greet Mark with hugs and kisses. She stops in the middle of the day to pray that "Daddy come home safe."

Annabeth is an inspiration and a miracle. She is here, she lives because of the grace of God. Her delivery is, I pray, the darkest moments of our life. We are thankful that her shoulder was not permanently injured, we are blessed that there was no brain damage or damage to her heart, and we are constantly amazed by the goodness of our God. In Annabeth's life, we are constantly reminded of His grace and His faithfulness.

We do not have any idea what the future holds for Annabeth but are comforted by the fact that the Lord knows exactly how He will use her (Jeremiah 29:11). We pray that she will strive to seek His will in all that she does. We pray that she will be a light for Him (Matthew 5:16). We pray for as many days as the Lord sees fit to give her.

Happy 4th Birthday to our Miracle Girl.

Dancing in the Rain (and sprinkler)

Monday evening, Annabeth and I headed out after dinner (around 7:30) to play in the sprinkler. It was just starting to sprinkle as we headed out. I turned the water on low and let her run in the sprinkler and the rain. As she danced and ran, I realized that the setting sun behind her was making the water glimmer and sparkle. It made for a beautiful moment to share with Annabeth and a beautiful series of moments to photograph.

"Never. Ever. Ever.

Give up the desire to climb trees

or run through the sprinkler."

"Anyone who thinks sunshine is pure happiness

has never danced in the rain."

"Some people dance in the rain. Others just get wet."

"If you have good thoughts

they will shine out of your face 

like sunbeams 

and you will always look lovely."

- Matilda

"For this child I prayed,

and the Lord answered my prayer."

1 Samuel 1:27

I pray I am never to old to dance in the rain or run in the sprinkler.

I pray that Annabeth never feels too old to dance in the rain or run in the sprinkler.

I am so thankful today, and everyday, for our precious Miracle Girl.