Last night I cried, and by cried I mean the world caved in as I sobbed for an hour, first in the bathroom, then in bed.
That little phrase makes it sound almost cute but I feel like it's something everyone's afraid to talk about, afraid to admit if it's happening to them.
Our daughter is beautiful. She has a wonderful smile and the little laugh she's begun laughing this week is precious. I love that her hair, depsite have never been cut, has a perfect little line in the back as though we trim it daily. I love that she watches her hands as though they are the most fascinating things on earth. I love that she adores her daddy. I love everything about my little miracle.
The world told us "never" and God said "yes, in My time." She is the thing I prayed most dilligently for. She is the blessing we never dreamt we'd have.
But that doesn't mean it's perfect. Sometimes she feels like a house guest who will never leave. Sometimes she cries for hours even though the colic ended weeks again. Sometimes nothing on earth makes her happy. Sometimes it's so lonely even though she is always there. Sometimes I miss being alone or having dinner with just Mark. Sometimes I wish for quiet at 2 am.
Then the guilt happens. We were told "never" and by his AMAZING grace we have her. When Anna died, as I begged God to "please save our baby" in that delivery room I swore I would love every scream if He would just let her live. I break that promise to Him daily, sometimes it's all just too much.
I share this because I love my family, because I love Anna, because I feel like it's something that isn't said enough: Sometimes it's too much - too much good, happy, sad, too much everything. And yet, this life, my incredible life, is such a blessing. So, THANK YOU to everyone who comes and helps to hold her, to keep me company, and who holds us in your prayers. May our gray winter days filled with blues turn quickly to sunny, spring filled with sunshine.