January - April 2006 was my second semester at UofL, it was filled with adventures with friends, classes I loved, and finding my church in Louisville. I became incredibly aware of who I was and what I wanted out of life, out of myself. I left school on an absolute high after performing at the Kentucky Derby and saying a long, sweet "see you soon" to all of my friends.
Three weeks later, one of my dearest friends was killed in a car accident. We didn't have a proper "good-bye." He had written me on Facebook after a dinner out and said "We have to make your weeks at home memorable this summer." They were. Just not in the way either of us had imagined.
I left days after his funeral for a summer at Camp Lakeview. I went into staff training broken, numb. As the summer went on, God healed my heart. I grew closer to Him, to the friends I was making on staff, and also in love with Mark. I spent 11 straight weeks at camp - I didn't go home or spend one night away from camp. I isolated myself from the world, stayed off social media, turned my phone off for most of the weeks, and escaped into the woods.
In August, camp ended and within 12 hours I was back in Louisville for band camp. The city was loud, the people were crass, and I was completely overwhelmed. My parents and Leah moved me into my dorm while I cried for hours, having my first ever panic attack.
I spent the fall semester in a fog. I barely made it to class or the gym, I rarely went out with friends, I spent most of my nights crying and my days sleeping. I was so incredibly lost. Camp had been my dream job since I was 12 and I wasn't sure where to go from there. I had loved my summer at Lakeview and couldn't imagine another job ever meaning more to me. I was in love with Mark, sure that we would get married, and didn't know what to do with that. Mostly, I missed Brandon. I became consumed with making every moment matter. I wanted to live and love and play music the way he had. I was terrified of the thought of myself dying young like him. I was confused about how if my life mattered. Did I matter?
I spent countless hours praying - at 4th Street UMC, on campus benches, on my knees in my dark dorm room, on long drives between Franklin and Louisville. I begged God for direction, for hope, for a sign that I was going to survive.
Christmas Break 2006, we flew to Miami to perform at the Orange Bowl. We stayed in a gorgeous beachside hotel. I rang in the New Year with a 11 PM beach walk with Trent, Leah, and Chris and then a game of spoons as the year changed over. On the dark beach walk, I remember asking God "What is next year going to even bring? How am I going to keep going?" I felt tiny, and as I had for so long, like I didn't matter at all in the world. Staring into the dark, deep ocean I felt like I was nothing.
Early the next morning, I snuck out of my hotel room, and walked down to the water. I looked out over the ocean and I saw Hope. I don't know why, or how, but when I saw that January 1, 2006 sunrise I felt the Still Small Voice say "I have you. You have this." I spent the morning hours on the beach alone, feeling peace wash over me with the waves. I knew in that moment that I mattered, that I would survive the year. I took a picture and printed a ton of copies. I kept one in my purse, my notebooks, on my wall, etc all to remind me that I was alive and that God had a reason for that.
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