Thursday, December 12, 2013

Words from my Younger Self

Happy Throwback Thursday!

In true Throwback fashion I have reread my high school journals and am including some wise (perhaps beyond my years) words. Enjoy!

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." - The Wonder Years

I have had one of the happiest, most joyful weeks of my life. Why, you might ask. Well, I have no idea. Nothing superb or amazing has happened and yet I am sitting on top of the world. Major annoyances are being taken in stride and all of my world feels okay. Hmm...who am I? Oh, to be 16!

As always, I must use the last day of the year to reflect on the year as a whole. - This was my butterfly year. I spread my wings and learned to fly. I gave my time and love to the world. I left little bits of me all over the country. In this year, I allowed myself to tell someone how I really felt. My New Year's Resolution for 2004: to allow myself to fully love someone AND accept their love in return. I aim to dive in the deep end just to see what it feels like to sink, swim, or float.

Today I am 17! My first words of wisdom and a great lesson to include in my journal is that: no matter what happens with others learn from that person who you do or don't want to be. The hardest thing to do is say nothing at all. Happy Birthday Amy!

I came home from Lakeview yesterday. Oh goodness, I love that place! Maybe it is the constant awareness of God surrounding me or the time in nature, the people, or the love. I cannot pinpoint it but I love it. I cannot say I learned any huge life lessons however I grew so much in my faith these past two weeks.
"Amazing love, How can it be, That you my King would die for me. It's my joy to honor You, in all I do, I honor You."

Lately I have been feeling very unappreciated by certain friends. So much so that I have withdrawn from a lot of people and social situations. I had confided this in Treva earlier this week in a phone call. Then today, in band class, Treva gives me this note and and a bag. The note says "Thanks for it all! I love you!" She told me to open the bag. I expected a poptart or candy but when I opened the bag it was a whole bag of notes saying "Thank You." She had gone to all of our friends and had them write to me. It was by far one of the sweetest and best moments of my life.
**Note: I still have this bag of notes and each time we clean out my dresser I take the time to read them and smile. Proof that the little things matter so much**

In the insanity of my return to reality from the beauty of Lakeview, I struggled to find a way to write this. I know that it will not be perfect nor will it come close to being able to express my emotions I feel but I am going to try. There's this song called "Breathe" and the last two lines are "I'm lost without You, I'm desperate for You."
I've sung that song every summer at camp and I have always liked those lines but never fully grasped their meaning. But the night of Jesus Walk there was a huge storm. It had started as just rain so we were trying to hurry from station to station. My little girls were scared of the storm and some were whimpering. My cabin was on the porch of Ottawa and a huge branch fell on the roof. The whimpering turned to screaming and we ran through the woods back to the dinning hall. As I ran holding hands, with two very afraid little girls, I realized I was completely helpless. I couldn't stop the rain or the thunder or the lightening. So, as we ran I said, "Let's pray!" I said one of the most desperate prayers of my life. I prayed that all of camp would safely reach the dinning hall, that the Lord would calm the little ones fears, and that the storm would end soon.
When I got home and reflected on my two weeks as a JC I kept going back to that moment and I realized it was like the song. I was lost I was desperate, and I turned to Him.

And from my last day of my first year at UofL:

It's the middle of the afternoon and I am sitting outside of the UofL Library. 9 months ago, I sat on the other side of this sidewalk and wrote about being so proud of living my first day alone at college. I remember walking around campus and finding each building for my classes. There were no people, just me. Today is much like that. I felt the need to complete this year as I started it. 9 months ago the walk here was so exciting because each new turn on the path was new and unexplored. On my walk here today, I smiled as each turn holds a memory. This year I did things I never dreamt of doing and also things my heart could never have even dreamt they were all so wonderful. I poured my heart and soul into this place and these people. I have no regrets on how I spent my time or who I spent it with. I think about how many hundreds of times I stopped my life and just fully appreciated and loved the moment I was in. I fully loved the peopled I met here. I haven't wasted many moments and the few I did were just because I wasn't fully soaking in the moment or loving the person I was with. I feel so much peace in my life and love and my heart.

I love that last entry especially. It was so true and hopeful and pure. That month my life changed completely as I lost one of my closest friends in a car accident and met Mark the week after that. But for this one entry, this one moment, life was just perfect at 19.

Words from my younger self, so much to learn from, even now.

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